


The Letters You Wrote (Are Still Under My Bed)

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 10:32:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>I’m sorry. I was at it again, a constant cycle of my brain going crazy...when your heart gave way, mine did too. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>It’s so quiet without you. I know how you feel, because I feel the same exact way...I love you so much I don't think I'll ever get the chance to say it enough.</em>
</p>
<p>Or the one where Louis and Liam love each other, but Liam's gone before Louis can save him.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Letters You Wrote (Are Still Under My Bed)

**Author's Note:**

> So I was reading a John Green book and this happened. Points if you can correctly guess which one. Any mistakes are mine and those I haven't caught, so apologies if you come across any. And I do not own anyone or any songs.  
> But thank you for reading; kudos and feedback is much appreciated, loves. x

Dear Liam,

Hey. It’s been weeks since I’ve written to you, and I’m sorry for not writing as often as I should. Stress isn’t a good enough excuse and I wish I had one. But with exams and parents on my back, it’s the only thing I’ve got. I’m sorry. How are you? I really hope you’re okay.

Ever since you moved things have been quiet. Well, more quiet than usual. Things were quiet when you were here sometimes, but this quiet plagues me. It’s like I can’t think without wanting to punch a wall and I get so out of control and I wish I could think normally again and—

I’m sorry. I was at it again, a constant cycle of my brain going crazy. I’ve resorted to typing just to make this legible, and because of all the doodles and absolute mess of smears on paper that you’re probably tired of. I know how much you liked neat and organized binders and sheets, not like me. I doodled away with the crappy artist’s pencil that was digging into my palm for half an hour. I don’t even draw. Or sketch. But please don’t think this takes any of my sincerity or humanity away, just because I’m rapping away at a keyboard and supposedly making this less personal. Because I’m not.

Poetry’s been taking up a lot of my time lately. It’s kinda been my getaway from school and stress and parents. Parents can be so gross sometimes. Are your parents okay? I remember how much they twisted this way and that, stressing you out to no end. I really do hope you’re okay. Don’t worry about me too much; you were such a stress stressball… but I miss you.

Love always,  
Louis

\--

Dear Louis,

Don’t apologize for everything you said in your letter. I understand, I do. And I miss you, too. More than you’ll ever know. But I’ve been okay. I guess missing you became a part of me. Besides that, I’m okay. If you were here, you’d be raising an eyebrow in your skeptical way. But I’m making a promise. I never broke them, did I? Still don’t. Nothing makes me feel better knowing that you’re okay.

It’s so quiet without you. I know how you feel, because I feel the same exact way. You’re my best friend, and you not being here is just, it’s like a piece of me is missing, y’know? I miss the way we’d go around the school hallways singing at the top of your lungs. It was embarrassing, yeah, but now that I walk down the halls of school when it’s over it’s so quiet that I want to scream, shout, make some sort of noise to fill the gaps that I lost you in. But nothing I can do can even compare to you. I miss you.

Oh my god, your doodles. Still love ‘em, and I kinda wish you wrote like that again, but it’s okay. I know you’re being sincere, because I can just feel it. But remember how we went to that really fancy promotion ceremony for your dad and you stole your sister’s crayons to doodle _all_ over the table? I’m surprised no one caught you. But it was hysterical. I loved (and still do) your hyper attitude. Somehow it just made me so happy, and I can sometimes hear you speak that way whenever I read your letters. And please don’t punch any walls, okay? Can’t have your breaking your fingers now.

My parents are doing surprisingly calm, to be honest. Yeah, there’s the usual pressure to do well in school but it’s not as horrible as before. I guess it’s because they know I miss you and how it’s hard to adjust a bit. You really warmed up their hearts, love. And I’m not that much of a stressball, excuse you. It’s my job to worry about you.

Send me your poetry! I’d _love_ to read what you’ve written. You always were a talented writer, and you still are. Update me on that heart of yours.

With much love,  
Liam x 

\--

Dear Liam,

Still keeping promises like the Boy Scout you are? But you’re okay, so that’s all that really matters to me. And yeah, I’m still typing. I threw that pencil away, it was driving me up a wall. Missing you is like the first thing on my daily routine. I don’t even have one. That’s how much I love you. But the letters make me feel better, knowing you’re the one taking your time to write them.

I remember that night too, it was bloody brilliant! Beautiful, too. Especially when I first saw you, all blonde curls and chocolate eyes and a really sexy tux, I gotta admit. You smelled nice, too. What did you use? I need it, so I can smell like you and remember us wherever I go. Oh, by the way, I’m the one who stole your bracelet. The white one with green chevrons across.

Keeping you happy was my _job_ and it still is. I’m glad I still make you feel happy whenever I write to you. You have no idea how much I barge through the mail just to find your letter every day.

Liam, there’s something I’ve realized and it’s… I’m pretty sure I’d die without you. Even though you’re not physically here with me (as much as I wish you were), I can still see you bent over the paper with your pen scuttling away and your face scrunched up in that concentrated way, trying your best to stay neat. Why are you so neat anyways?

My heart’s gone robotic, to be honest. Before it was just a constant cycle of Liam, Liam, Liam. Then it turned into a machine without oil. Rusty, beaten. Its lost its rhythm, now that you’re far away. But it still beats, ‘cause you’re alive and breathing and healthy. Honestly.

I won’t punch any walls, solely because you asked me to. And I wouldn’t break my fingers even if I tried. I’m strong too, y’know. My singing wasn’t “embarrassing”. It was a melodious serenade sung by the angels. Speaking of singing, I remember the first time I heard you. You had stayed the night at my place, and you had been taking a shower. It was so cute, but your voice made me feel all gross and gooey inside. It was then that I realized that I was in love with you. I was in love with you, your voice, your heart, everything labeled, “Property of Liam Payne”.

I was funny how you stumbled backwards when I kissed you. I still remember how you tasted; sweet, like vanilla and raspberries, even though you probably didn’t have anything to make you taste that way. Or did you? Whatever it was, I still remember.

My parents are okay, too. They miss you, in fact. My mom was especially upset when she heard you moved away. I wish I could call you, but apparently calling into another country costs more than it does to write letters. But I want to visit you so much and so badly. Please, let’s plan something. I need to see you again, Liam.

Love always,  
Louis x

P.S. I’ll send you some poetry when you call, got it? 

\-- 

Dearest Louis,

I almost cried when I read your letter. Especially the part about our first kiss. And to answer your question about taste, I had vanilla flavored gum. But that didn’t prevent me from figuring out what you tasted like; something distinctly like mint and something like sugar. I loved it, just like I loved you at that moment. I loved how your arms wrapped around me and I tried to pull you in with the back of your neck. We ended up laughing, and your laugh was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard in my life at the time. I want nothing more than to hear it again. But forgive me; I realized I was in love with you at the winter dance at school, sometime after you.

To see you dressed in that suit—with your hair finally organized for once—was enough to take my breath away. Then you smiled, and I really couldn’t help myself when I kissed you in the middle of the parking lot with the entire school watching.

I was so reluctant to dance at first, and you just kept pulling my arm until I finally gave in, just to see you smile. I couldn’t resist. You pulled me in close enough until our noses touched and our eyes met, and I could’ve sworn my heart stopped beating. You smiled like the beauty you are. That one Elton John song came up; “Something About the Way You Look Tonight”, and we just swayed. It was then that I was so convinced, so painfully in love with you that when we kissed, I knew you understood. I was head over heels in love with you, your chesnut hair that flew in every which way, your oceanic eyes that always sparkled, and your heart. All of you.

I somehow feel closer when I write you these words. Each and every one makes me want to drive back and kiss the living daylights out of you. I miss the mint.

Visiting you would literally make my heart explode. Winter vacation’s coming up—so why not? I can drive down and stay a few days. I’d do anything to see your face the first thing in the mornings again. Hold on, I’m going to go ask my parents right now.

They said yes! And they gave me a phone card; I’ll call you once this letter’s done. Promise. Your voice is all I want to hear right now.

I guess our hearts beat to the same tune, didn’t they? Just a constant string of Louis, Louis, Louis. Is it weird that I still read your name as “Lewis” and not “Louie”? Yeah, probably. Y’know, I never properly thanked your dad for letting us be together, especially after he found out. Please, thank him for me. I know he wasn’t keen but he gave us a chance.

Fine, I’ll admit your voice was okay. It wasn’t bad. And now I know where my bracelet is, dangling around your wrist and not some random stranger’s wrist. But I’m glad that you have it. Keeping you happy was my job too, not just yours. All I ever wanted was your happiness, and I got it and yeah; I’d die without you, too.

Looking back at my words I realized how much of a bloody sap I was, but you do funny things when you’re in love. I can’t wait to talk to you, Louis. I love you so much I don't think I'll ever get the chance to say it enough.

With all my love,  
Liam 

P.S. I expect poetry later. x

\-- 

Dear Liam,

To have you call and surprise me like that was the loveliest thing you could’ve ever done in the years to come. God, I just love you so much. Just hearing your voice that night made my life so complete I started crying. You remember. But I was so damn _happy_ I really couldn’t help it. You made me remember all those times I just knew I loved you and realized how wonderful you made me feel. But I remember how much you bloody giggled over the phone. I love you, Liam.

But then you had the audacity to drive back down home on _my birthday_ to tell me you were moving back. It was the greatest gift in the world, I’m not entirely sure you fully understand. You were standing outside my door with snow in your hair, roses and chocolates in your hands, and a face-splitting smile on your face. I was such a baby that I started crying and you hugged me, which made it even worse but at the same time so much better. Do you realize what you do to me? I can’t believe I literally make you feel the same way about me.

Liam, babe, it’s kinda _embarrassing_ that you still read my name that way. Have I not taught you enough, my young Padawan? But since you love me, I’ll let it slip.

I literally can’t stop thinking about you moving back every time I walk by your old house. I still pass it on my way to school and back. Before its emptiness hit me like a train in the middle of my chest, but now I can’t wait to throw rocks at your window like I did so many times before. I want to take you somewhere when you come back; dunno where yet. But I know you’ll love it, because you’re Liam. My beautiful Liam who I am so in love with and so honored to call my boyfriend. I’m proud of us for keeping this long distance relationship alive.

I showed you my poetry when you stayed over, and I still remember the glee in your eyes when I did. So many times we said, “I love you”, but it was in the confinements of my bedroom that you physically showed me how much you loved me, past the kisses and hugs. We made love for the first time, and I literally can’t stop thinking about how gentle you were, how it felt so blissful and how it was _you_ above me. You, Liam. I can’t wait to see you again.

I love you.

Love always and for bloody forever,  
Louis x  

\-- 

Dearest Liam James Payne, my lover and my husband,

It’s been a good two years since you moved back into that little house on the street, two years since I gave you that hug that had us crying and holding each other so tight I’m pretty sure our bones would’ve shattered. We got our college admissions soon after, and we ended up going to the same university together. Somehow we managed to convince staff to have us as roommates. I don’t know how that happened, but I remember we were so happy that I swear we could’ve stopped world poverty, famine, starvation, everything.

Those moments we spent together are forever engraved into my skull, and I can’t close my eyes without seeing your laughing face. But it’s been a year since you started to have pain in your chest. We shook it off, thought of it as just a side effect of working out a bit too much. But it got worse. You’d wake up gasping in the middle of the night, and I knew something was wrong. I took you to the doctor against your wishes, and we realized that you had cancer. Heart cancer, to be specific. You started to sob when the doctor left the room, and I could only hold you and tell you that everything was going to be okay. I saved my tears for later. I promised to be with you at every chemotherapy session, at every doctor’s visit, despite school and exams. I didn’t care, you were my first priority.

I watched as you got thinner, lost your appetite, lost your hair, lost the gleam in your eyes. I watched as you shook whenever you moved. I held you, always held you, and tried to show you how much I loved you and that leaving you was out of the question. I kissed every bit of skin you dared to show, and helped you with your engineering schoolwork. I made sure you ate, stayed healthy, did well in school, everything to show how much I loved and cared for you. I bathed with you and kissed the bones that peeked from beneath your skin.

I won’t deny crying when you slept because you kept moaning from the pain and how you kept saying, “Louis make it stop, _please just make it stop_.” I could only force pills down your throat and take you for walks, glaring at everyone who gave you a sideways glance. I braced the pain when you gripped my hand during the chemo sessions. I took you everywhere and made you live life to the absolute fullest. So many times I knew you were in pain, but I wanted you to be happy despite the cruel circumstances. Remember when you passed your sound engineering exam? I kissed you in front of the whole student body and could not have cared less about who liked it or not. Kinda like the time you kissed me in the middle of the parking lot in high school.

Six months in, you began to recover. Your doctors said the cells were beginning to go back to normal, and we were so overjoyed I took you out and proposed to you that very night. I still have my ring. You started to cry and never had I heard you say “yes” so quickly in our lives. We planned to get married right after we both graduated. Every night we’d laugh and kiss and plan out the future because we knew things were going to turn out alright. I held your hand while you slept, brushing over the fuzz of hair that began to grow back. I took a picture of you and kept it… it’s still in my wallet and phone. You’re my background.

But Liam, how naïve were we? How naïve was I to believe what the doctor said?

The last two weeks were the worst. I knew what was going to happen, and I knew you did too. I was so scared, so afraid of leaving you alone. I tried my best to make you smile, to make you laugh, to make you get the best out of life with me and the rest of this cruel world. Sometimes the pain and sickness would be so unbearable you wouldn’t be able to open your eyes and talk, but I made sure I didn’t move my body from your side.

Tonight I drove you to the hospital in the middle of the night. You were in so much pain I could only pray that you’d get better. I begged and yelled at the doctors, the nurses, anyone to do something. They said your heart was failing and you only had a few hours left, but you’d leave quietly and without any pain. Like falling asleep. I truly hope you felt no pain before you left. I couldn’t have you see me cry, but when I walked into your room, you knew. You were crying through a daze, reaching for me with wires lining your arms and breath barely there. I got in bed with you as carefully as I possibly could, pressing my lips against yours for the last few times. I held you and rocked back and forth. You pulled me down once, lips gracing my ear before you spoke.

“I love you, Louis.”

That was the last thing you said, eyes locking with mine before closing shut. You grew limp in my arms with your head still against my chest as I trembled. Then your heart stopped. I began to wail. I cradled your head against me and only sobbed, lips trying not to shake as I kissed your skin over and over again.

“I love you, Liam. I love you…”

It’s been six hours since you’ve been gone. I made a promise to myself not to marry anyone else or become invested in another lover, because you were the only one and when your heart gave way, mine did too. I'm sorry if this is messy; there are pen smears all over that blend into the tears that I can't stop from falling.

I never did fully find out what perfume you used.

There was a poem I was supposed to read at our wedding, and I’ll put it in this letter that they’re going to bury you with. Here, my love.

_You tell me that you're sad and lost your way_  
_You tell me that your tears are here to stay_  
_But I know you're only hiding_  
_And I just wanna see you_

_You tell me that you're hurt and you're in pain_  
_And I can see your head is held in shame,_  
_But I just wanna see you smile again_  
_See you smile again_

_But don't burn out_  
_Even if you scream and shout_  
_It'll come back to you_  
_And I'll be here for you_  
  
_Oh I will carry you over fire and water for your love_  
_And I will hold you closer_  
_Hope your heart is strong enough_  
_When the night is coming down on you_  
_We will find a way through the dark_  
  
_I wish that I could take you to the star_  
_I'd never let you fall and break your heart_  
_And if you wanna cry or fall apart_  
_I'll be there to hold you_  
  
_You tell me that you heard it's all in vain_  
_But I can see your heart can love again_  
_And I remember you laughing_  
_So let's just laugh again_

Love always from the little teenage boy you fell in love with and the same one who will love you forever,  
Louis William Payne


End file.
